Mass Hysteria Grips Commuters on Southern Rail
I was going to give another sad report on the travails of commuting to the office today. In brief: train breaks down at Norwood causes chaos across most of traffic on the way into London Bridge. We were stuffed in like cattle with noses against the windows (except for those of us in first class tee hee) and an hour later than normal we crawl into LB following a diversion via Tulse Hill - interestingly one of my old haunts (no it is not interesting ed.) … ok back to last week. I was sitting quietly reading the Evening Standard rabbiting on about the Dianna inquest (which will definitely feature in a future rant) and I over-heard the helpful little man announcing … 'Southern Rail apologise etc etc … but the 1759 London Bridge to Brighton is cancelled and will be starting from East Croydon and passengers are advised to join the 1750 east Grinstead service on platform 10' … 'Southern Rail apologise for any inconvenience…' A few seconds later to my right I saw this cloud of dust somewhat similar to that formed by a wildebeest stampede on the Serengeti when they smell water from a distance of fifty miles as HUNDREDS of erstwhile passengers of the Brighton Service rushed around to jump on our train which was due out in a minute or so. In a few mo's we were stuffed to the gunwales - including the first class cabin where yours truly was ensconced - including the seat next to me which was occupied by the hero of what happened next - now read on…

After about a minute the guy next to me jumps onto his feet and starts going through his pockets in a fevered haste looking like he just caught a dose of St Vitus's Dance (for those who don't know an early symptom of cocaine abuse, cholera or a song on a Black Sabbath album ed.) to the accompaniment of muffled F's and B's cumulating in a ' I've been F'ing robbed' Some F'ing B****** has pinched my phone, the B******' - shouted at the top of his voice to the astonished jam-packed train. He then picked up his bag and threw it violently to the floor - pencils, pens, condoms and all the rest of the contents spilling out all onto the floor and under the seats. He then 'leapt' to his knees and crawled around on the cabin floor I assume looking for the phone or picking up the condoms. That done he leaps again this time to his feet - again shouting at the top of his voice - 'I've been robbed some F'ing B****** has robbed me' - and he's now going to stop the train until he finds his phone - the guy then tries to pull the emergency lever and was restrained from doing so by his fellow passengers - or more like he couldn't get through it was so packed. Back to where his bag was and once more to his knees for a crawl around the grubby floor. Picks up bag again and throws it to the floor with the accompaniment of more F's and B's. Things started getting a little out of hand to the extent that even I peered up from the machinations of the Dianna inquest and ol Rumpol of the Bailey's ludicrous accusations to see this guy then round on several of the passengers accusing them of F'ing stealing his phone … more F'ing B******'s give me my phone, I'll Kill you all, I'll put a bomb on this train …' until eventually disturbed from doing the Sun Crossword the (rather burly) guard pops in to take a quick butchers at what was going on and tries to calm the guy down. 'Now sir, shouting is not going to get your phone back' - 'if they don't give me phone back I'll kill the lot of them'. 'That's it sir you'll have to stand in the corridor, you can't say that sort of thing, so come with me or I'll have the rozers meet us at East Croydon - and they can deal with this'. After a short while, and a few more F'ing B******s have stolen my phone' he troops off into the guard area where for the rest of the journey I hear muffed F's, B's and mobile phone and B******s all the way to East Croydon the jewel in the crown of Southern Rail where accompanied by a few Stasi he got off the train.

We were all looking around at each other in amazement when we noticed that the floor of yer cabin was still littered with papers, pens, wallet, ticket fob etc. so a couple of us Samaritans (no not me you will be glad to hear - ah always true to type ed.) picked up all this stuff and rushed to the cabin door to give it to the guy just as he is being 'hawked off' the train '. Thank you he said you F'ing b******* s


Back to ol Rumpol


Royston

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